Lady Ponder

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The bittersweet of Pregnancy

This is a difficult post, firstly because it is so challenging to verbalize emotions, and secondly because I am right in the mist of experiencing these raging “hormones”…. is it even hormones, or something way deeper  than anything happening in that moment? I’m not sure, and I probably shouldn’t try to figure out anything right now.

Let me first clarify that despite my best efforts to be calm, this has been a very stressful pregnancy for me. Mostly due to stress in my personal life, but also due to misdiagnosed conditions from Gynecologists.

At times I have literally felt that my emotions are so out of control, there is nothing I can do to reclaim control of it in that moment in time, and this is a very dis-empowering feeling. These emotions are strong and completely involuntary and at times have taken over my body and mind. In addition, not having a proper support system has resulted in feelings of desolation, frustration and sadness.

I have felt utterly overwhelmed and exhausted. Often times, it has been an out-of-body experience where I felt like I was hovering over myself as I slip into unadulterated lunacy.

I have always experienced emotions very intensely in general, but during this pregnancy emotions have soared to heights that I did not know were possible. In addition I have experienced massive guilt in not being the calm, happy, glowing pregnant mom I planned to be, constantly worrying that my emotions are affecting baby. And some more guilt by knowing that my gorgeous innocent toddler doesn’t understand my constant emotional being, and is not use to my short temper.

In addition to the emotional roller coaster, the following can be added to the bitter side of pregnancy:

  • Initially the constant nausea
  • Your growing body
  • Round ligament pain. (So severe that at times I physically can’t walk)
  • Heart burn
  • Dizziness
  • Stretch marks
  • the constant exhaustion
  • The restrictions of what I can and cannot do
  • The no alcohol sentence
  • The anxiety as labor approaches
  • back aches
  • Feeling like my bladder is always full
  • The cramps, or Braxton-Hicks, or whatever they are
  • The sore and swollen feet

I am 36 Weeks pregnant, and I have experienced a bittersweet pregnancy. The above obviously being the bitter.

That being said, the bitter pales in comparison to the sweet.

I believe pregnancy and children are a blessing, the absolute, ultimate blessing. And already having a perfect, beautiful toddler boy, and expecting another is confirmation that I have been blessed beyond what I could have ever deserved.

The amazement and joy I experience every time I feel baby move inside me is In-explainable, and the joy and bliss and pride and gratitude I am about to experience in 4 weeks time is beyond comprehension.

I absolutely love the anticipation of labor starting, and I cannot wait to fall in love at first sight of our new son. Naturally I already love him, but that first time I set eyes on him is just unimaginably wonderful.

No doubt my body has suffered the aftermath of pregnancy, but  NO DOUBT has it all been worth it.

For the opportunity to experience pregnancy and have children I will be eternally grateful to my Creator.

Sure everyone has their pregnancy stories and advise, and all differ substantially, but undoubtedly one cannot fully appreciate the bitter or sweet of pregnancy until one is in the throes of it.

Yet I’m not quite ready to let go of pregnancy yet. I’m still savoring more of the loves than the hates. And however insane it might sound to me right now, I know I will miss it once it’s over.

Conclusively the challenge of my body creating life is without a doubt demanding and at times very difficult. But…. looking past the expanding hips, tiredness, nausea, emotions and pain, pregnancy is a miracle, and unequivocally one of the most mystical experiences of your life.

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Cindy Breet • January 29, 2015


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