Not speaking up does not equal kindness
I am far from perfect, but the 1 thing I am is predominantly polite and friendly. Which sounds great righ…..wrong
For me being agreeable meant less conflict, less stress.
I am that person that would just stand there with the feeling of bewilderment inside while the words yes, sure, I understand, ok, come out of my mouth in absolute betrayal, I wasn’t always that person, but somehow I have become her.
Now there has been a magnitude of things going on in my personal life for the past few months, which includes moving house, being 7 months pregnant, co-habituating with my in-laws while in the process of building a new place, and some more frustrations I won’t even get into right now.
Yesterday I was again in a position where my parenting skills were challenged, and instead of speaking up, I bit my tongue and kept quiet. While every bone in my body was screaming how dare you, I kept quite. Probably in an attempt to not rock the boat, or in fear of being “disrespectful” or for whatever reasoned I have convinced myself off why it is the right thing to do.
I was angry, no, I was furious at myself, at everyone.
The rage forced itself to the forefront of my consciousness, demanding to be acknowledged.
I suddenly realised that the roots of my emotions are way deeper and tangled than anything happening in that moment.
My “politeness” or “niceness” has become venomous to my entire being. I have forgotten how to speak my mind, and I have been abused because of it.
I have always taken pride in my authenticity, and naturally part of that is striving to be a better person, however in the process I have somehow convinced myself that I can never say what’s on my mind if it would cause any sort of conflict or uneasiness whatsoever….I have forgotten how to be me, who am I?
Now, no matter how hard I push anger and sadness into my gut, it inevitably seeps out as frustration and annoyance. It’s not only about not speaking up, but it sure is a good start to rediscover myself.
So in honor of this newfound and totally liberating revelation, I vow to actively focus attention on being more confident in being just me, and trusting my emotions. So when something needs to be said, I will say it. Further I have learned that silence is deemed approval – When I do not approve, I will not keep quite. And lastly when I feel a fundamental part of who I am, or what I believe in is being challenged, I have a duty to defend my standpoint right there and then.
I hope I don’t, but if I offend some people along the way, so be it.
Sometimes we need to be raw, authentic, and unapologetic.
So in the famous words of Kate Perry
“ You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar”